viernes, 21 de diciembre de 2012

EL FIASCO DEL APOCALIPSIS - Por Catulo Bernal

EL viernes me levanté temprano, mas o menos como a las once. No era cuestión estar durmiendo si se producía el tan ansiado fin de los tiempos. Desayune con tres medialunas, naranja y café cargado con la ansiedad del que se sabe en el corredor de la muerte, a punto de apurar sus ultima pitanza. Llame a Romulo, a Piton, Pococho y Al indio, para que se estuvieran avisados y luego de escribir una oda al ultimo minuto del milonguero Palleja, en el que prolijamente describía sus elongaciones en la ronda hasta que lo trago una grieta en el subsuelo - que quizá publicaré en este medio algún día - adecenté las ropas de gala, me fui a buscar al ultimo lustrín superviviente de la crisis, me fui a la barbería para afeitarme y que me emprolijaran el pelo y luego de una modesta merienda con sanguchitos de miga - mi manjar criollo favorito - me fui a la milonga del Oriental a esperar la debacle en primera fila.
Confieso que así ataviado, solo en la mesa sola mi botella, mientras sonaban los primeros tangos y los principiantes tenían tomada la pista con sus pasos prefabricados tuve un momento de pánico pues creía ver en lontananza como un rasgón - que era producto de una visión deficiente y no los bordes del empapelado celestial, que se caían ya obsoletos. Pero fueron llegando los muchachos. Primero Romulo, en terno blanco y gorra a juego - una gorra reconvertida de la NBA,  mas bien cantora - luego Piton, El Indio, El profesor Maradona, con esmoquin a rayas en gris perla y Pococho, renuente al traje pero con chaleco recamado.
Pareciamos una convención de gentes principales y así lo creímos, cuando la pista ya comenzaba a expulsar a timoratos para acoger en su noble seno a los que saben.
El cielo, difuminado por algunas nubes no parecía mejor o peor que otras veces. Romulo atisbaba frecuentemente arriba, como queriendo ver unos "gigantescos altavoces que difundan la voz de Dios, llena de ira y recriminaciones, en donde seremos enterados por fin del acabose".
Piton le contestaba que vendrían en carro Gardel y Razzano a terminar su contrapunto de canciones y que ese seria el principio del fin.
Yo, que son mas pragmático, viendo que se consumía la botella, pedí a la muchachada que nos fueran trayendo nuestra "ultima cena": palmitos con jamon y salsa golf, deconstruccion de leberwush con olivas y pasas de esmirna, coc o vin (pollo al vino tinto) con guarnición de papas Pont Neuf (que me hacen recordar a los fogones del campamento escaut, allá lejos y hace tiempo) un cabernet sauvignon o tres, y peras también al vino tino(se vé que les sobró del pollo) con canele en rama marroqui.
Y para terminar dos botellas de champaña, que el profesor tenia guardadas en la casa, obsequio de una fundacion que lo contrató para diseñar un artilugio que permitiera despiojar los perros pudientes, y que habíamos pedido nos pusieran en la batea llena de hielo que Riquelme pone todos los viernes para enfriar los  chardonay y la sidra.
 Esperábamos que el cataclismo tuviera lugar a entre la una y las dos, según los cálculos mayas y el huso horario. Se hicieron las dos, las tres, las cuatro y las cinco y la pista seguía sin vaciarse y las botellas ya vacías.
Y lo único que pasó fue que nos encurdelamos de mala manera. No hubo llanto, ni rechinar de dientes, no se abrieron las bóvedas celestiales y el mismisímo Dios no se dio por enterado, tan insignificantes somos para su gloria.
Al final, ya vencidos, nos fuimos reestableciendo a nuestros hogares, vacíos del fin y llenos hasta los bordes de comida y bebida buena.
Otra vez será...

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